Going to the Opera...

For some reason I'm becoming rather attached to Opera. I particularly like the "Pick up at last saved session." command. It lets you save where you're at when you're browsing and start right back there again.

For people like me who deal with many, many interruptions it's great. I particularly find it useful when I'm trying to research something at work, the mother of all interruptions.

 

You can quote me...

For all those of you who think this is easy you can quote me, "It's hard to be funny when your brain feels like your foot when your foot goes to sleep."

Speaking of going to sleep.

As a side effect to losing weight I've noticed that my ass doesn't fall asleep when I'm sitting on the toilet anymore. ; )

 

The best 404...

Damn! I lost the link to this 404 page when my hard drive crashed and I had to buy a new one but it seems it's finally gotten to Adam Curry. It's definitely the best 404 page of all time...well...maybe atleast for the next 20 minutes.

page not found. Excellent 404 error page [Adam Curry: Adam Curry's Weblog]

 

Martha Stuart to release new magazine...
"Martha Stuart’s Prison Living".
[Davezilla.com - Excessive use of farce] [jenett.radio] 

Motivational speaking...

Hey! Check this out! I'm a Motivational Speaker.

Radio Troubles. I've decided that I shouldn't allow my issues with Radio Userland to stop me from weblogging. I have to admit, Movable Type is nice. Thanks for motivating me, Loyd.... [Dane Carlson's Weblog]

I can see it now...

Tired of blogging? Lost the edge to find new and exciting things on the web? Motivational Speaker for hire. Former atendee of the Guido and Nunzio school of Subtle Encouragement. Start posting again within days or lose your knee caps. Results guaranteed. We also help motivate people to repay debts! Ask us about our group rates!

 

 

Step behind the curtain and undress please...

Flatulence Helps Fight Disease. British scientists say a high-tech flatus test may be the solution for those tough-to-diagnose stomach bugs. While flatulence may be the stuff of jokes, the gas could provide the 'chemical fingerprints' to diagnose digestive infections. [Wired News]

Man! There are just too many places to go with this one, all of them wrong. If a doctor puts his nose to my ass and tells me to fart, I ain't gonna quit laughing for days.

More fart humor:

You ever notice there's really 3 kinds of farters in the world? The rippers, the floaters, and the stealth bombers.

The rippers are the people who stand up and do the "motorcycle" while flatulating. The floaters will pass the all intrusive SBD and then sit there and giggle about it. The stealth bombers are by far the most deadly. They flatulate and leave the room without even warning you to open a window.

Yet MORE fart humor:

We had a family friend who used to light a match after farting. Nights after eating chili made our house look like a rock concert.

 

New pants...

Dockers pants with stain blocker...$20
32oz plastic cup...$1
Look on wifes face after you dump cup-full of water on pants before going to work...priceless
Hospital bill after wife clobbers you in head...$32,000 including ambulance ride

 

Don't say you hadn't thought about it yourself...

Man. If I had Bill Gates' loot I would SO be doing the Batman thing. C'mon, think about it. Who would suspect him?

 You could buy a super cool jet, a cool car with all the gadgets, a bat cave, a bat computer (running windows XP?), and the whole cape and cowl thing.

Gotham City would be Silicon Valley and San Francisco.

 Who would be the Penguin? Linus Torvalds?

 

Inbred...

I come from a small town. How small is it? I'm related, by marriage, to roughly half my high school class. How inbred is THAT!

As a side note...no one's ever been able to prove whether the genetic mutations came from the inbreeding or the toxic waste dump.

 

Commando Fridays!

I feel ashamed. As a working stiff I'm unable to participate in Chris Pirillo's "No Pants Fridays". Seeing as how I'm missing out on all the fun and jocularity I've decided to start my own day...

 "Commando Fridays"!

The day when everyone leaves their underwear at home! Wooh hooo! Yeaah!

Disclaimer: The Daily Thing is not responsible for chafing, rashes, redness, sorespots, iritation, irritability, genitalia caught in zippers, or other situations that may arise from suggestions made in this post. All puns are intended. Use at your own will. 

 

Ode to Coffee...

On this morning when my eyelids did not want to come unglued from each other we will wax poetic for a moment with this short ode to coffee.

(set to the tune of whatever song you like, or none.)

Here goes:

Coffee.

Tada! Aren't I the poet?

 

I did not...

Rob did not post this morning.

I did not drive 30 miles to the nearest Best Buy today. While there, I did not buy a Game Boy Advance SP. It was not the last one they had in stock. I did not also pick up Dark Sun and Legend of Zelda and an "accessory pack" to go with it. I did not tell the cute clerk that it was a gift for some unspecified younger male relative. I did not stop at McDonalds in Walmart afterwards. I did not then go back to the hotel and rip open my new toys and spend an hour playing with them. I do not have any guilt for these things that did not happen. Nope. [Generic | Synthetic]

 

Today class we're going to look at the two halves of the brain...

There's a little part of my brain saying, "If you're tired and you don't feel good, go back to bed." and a much larger (caffeinated) part saying, "nomanallyouneedismorecoffeewithmorecoffee
youcandoanythinglookitmeI'msupermanwheee!"

 

Too early...

There's three hours difference between the West coast and the East coast, so when it's 4am in California it's 7am in New York. How the hell can you people get up that early? Go back to bed!

 

Click click click ZING rip rip rip...

I think it was easier to write when we did everything on paper. If you got frustrated or didn't like what you'd written you just jerked the paper out of the type writer or off the legal pad, ripped it to shreds and threw it away.

Have you ever tried to rip up a computer? Doesn't work so well.

 

What to expect....

Welcome to Modesto California, a little place I like to call home. It's a small town, still. Being such we have our fair share of problems. Like traffic congestion, air pollution, corrupt politicians, toxic waste, water shortages, power shortages, crime, murder, and our very own O.J. trial.

Here's a short list of the top 5 things I expect to see from the Scott Peterson trial:

1) A low speed bronco chase (oops! too late.)
2) Kato Kailin
3) Proof that O.J. did it
4) One glove
5) Kato Kailin

What? You think Letterman is the only one who can do lists???

 

Daily read...
Lileks ponders: If French Toast and pancakes went to war, which side would waffles take? 

WHO?...

In far away China a World Health Organization doctor goes door to door looking for anyone infected with SARS.

Doctor (at door of house): (Knock knock)
Man (opening door coughing): what you want?
Doctor: I'm from the World Health Organization.
Man: WHO?
Doctor: World Health Organization.
Man: WHO?
Doctor: The World....Health....Organization.
Man: WHO?
Doctor: Look I've already told you. I'm from the World Health Organization.
Man: WHO?
Doctor: The WORLD...HEALTH....ORGANIZATION...I'm a Doctor.
Man: WHO?
Doctor: Forget it (moves to next house.)
Doctor (knocking on door): World Health Organization.
Voice (from inside): WHO?

 

Hmmm.....this could be a problem...
 I do believe someone has switched my underarm deoderant with super glue. 

Why I don't do stand up...

Someone told me once I should do stand up comedy to which I replied:

I hear more moans at my jokes than I've ever heard in bed.

 

It's all a plot I tell you...

I was doin' a little thunkin' this morning when I had a revelation: male pattern baldness is secretly a plot by our wives and girlfriends.

See, in order to keep us from straying too far, our wives and girlfriends secretly pluck hairs from our head at night while we sleep. Slowly over time we begin to think we're going bald and everyone knows a chrome dome is NOT sexy. If it were sexy why is it they can only name Patrick Stewart as being bald and sexy? I mean hey, you think Mr. Clean is getting any?

So when you wake up in the morning look on your pillow. Is there a stray hair? Does she keep tweezers in the house? Do any hairs get caught in the drain as you shower? Think mightily on these things and remember my words.

In Addendum: My wife has informed me that, after reading this post, I can look forward to not be "getting any" for a long, long while. Tell the grandparents not to expect a little one anytime soon. ;^>

 

Feeling funny...
I woke up this morning and I felt funny. My wife rolled over and told me to pull my underwear back up.